


Reflexes and Reflections

by JosephineStone



Category: A Separate Peace - John Knowles
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Community: smallfandombang, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-10
Updated: 2016-04-10
Packaged: 2018-06-01 12:25:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6519247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JosephineStone/pseuds/JosephineStone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Finny kisses Gene on the beach, everything about their relationship changes; however, that doesn't mean he suddenly started trusting Finny either.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Reflexes and Reflections

**Author's Note:**

> The title came from this quote by Mangus Hirschfeld: Love is a conflict between reflexes and reflections. Thanks to digthewriter for reading this even though it's not her fandom, and to smallbrownfrog and smirkingcat for listening to my concerns about the ending and sending me links, one of which introduced me to Hirschfeld and helped me come up with the title.
> 
> Also, thank you to xandromedovna for making a fanmix and drawing the cover art, and please check it out [here](http://xandromedovna.livejournal.com/4507.html). She kept it to a 1940's feel which is just great.

After Finny had confessed that Gene was his best friend, the silence thickened around them.

Gene could feel Finny shift next to him on the dune, but he didn't dare turn to look at him. He stared at the stars in the sky above them instead. It wasn't a secret to anyone that they were best friends; they spent all their time together. But there were some things one did not speak of. Finny never listened to such things, but he was aware of them. Aware enough that he'd never pushed Gene into commenting on them himself. Even if he forced Gene to be at his side as he rambled on about them, there was a line he had never crossed.

Finny's pink shirt came instantly to mind. Gene wasn't wearing it himself. But, as Finny's best friend, he stood there with him as Finny dared anyone to question him on it. At the Headmaster's tea of all places.

"What's that look for then?" Finny broke the silence and startled Gene.

He'd thought Finny finished his nightly monologue, and he had rarely expected an answer out of Gene during them.

Gene still could not force himself to speak. He opened his mouth only to let it fall closed again. There were no words for him to say. He wanted to say it back. Even if there hadn't been something holding him back, it was too late for anything he'd say to sound natural.

Phineas' green eyes searched him, and the prolonged exposure made Gene start to shake. He couldn't blame it on the night since it was warm and yet that was the excuse that tumbled out of his mouth. Lies and more lies. He couldn't stand this cat and mouse game with Finny anymore. When he was sure he was the cat, all Gene felt was guilt, and when he was sure he was the mouse - he was the mouse.

All nervousness seemed to leave Finny then as his face lit up with one of his wide smiles. He glanced around their deserted area quickly before looking back at Gene.

Gene hadn't realised how close they were until Finny pressed his lips to Gene's. 

He held his lips there for the briefest of moments as Gene scrambled to make sense of what was happening. He couldn't breathe or move or think, and thankfully Finny didn't say anything at all. He just pulled back and stared down at Gene as if he could read his thoughts if he'd simply refuse to blink. Then he lay down and fell asleep, letting Gene supposedly do the same.

Which, of course, proved to be impossible.

He tossed and turned, and once he was sure Phineas was asleep, he looked him over. Without the sun, his hair didn't shine. The streaks the sun highlighted in the day were only noticeable if one were looking for them in the dark. He looked more mortal and average in the white light of the night than he had earlier in the golden shine of day. His skin was still tan, yet it wasn't anything that would demand a passerby's attention as it had earlier that day.

That must have been why Phineas had assumed they were all staring at Gene. He didn't see himself as the extraordinary person he was, but more like this muted version of him.

Gene lay back down and to calm himself; he ran his fingers through the sand. He continued until he pushed all other thoughts from his mind. Then finally, he fell into an unsettling sleep.

In the morning, Finny acted as if nothing had changed.

Gene didn't know what bothered him more. That he had an important test to take that morning and Finny seemed determined to make him miss it. Or that Finny could pull such an act as _that_ , and then go on as if it were nothing. Gene had no hope of passing the test then since Finny had pulled him away from studying for it the day before. Suddenly, he was so done with the whole battle. It was a loss; he might as well give up.

Still. It was an important test.

As much as Gene wanted to give in and forget the test altogether, failing it put him further behind Finny. Finny wasn't an excellent student, but he was by far the best athlete. Gene was one of the best students and a fair at sports. If Gene were _the_ best student, they'd be even.

Well, honestly, Gene would be just a little ahead, which was the point of a rivalry after all.

As Finny stripped down and ran off for a morning swim, making them even later, Gene thought about the kiss.

Could it have been a distraction? Just like pulling Gene away from his work the day before and bringing him out to the beach? Gene could hardly think of anything that would be more of a distraction from his studies. More of a distraction from everything, including the war.

Phineas toted the line of what was socially acceptable. He made a game of it. They were alone, no one would ever know, but it still felt as if they'd crossed a line.

There was a much deeper question that Gene didn't ponder that asked: how had he known?

#

Gene flunked his test after making it back just in time to take it.

Afterwards, Gene threw himself into studying if only to avoid Finny. But, of course, there was no avoiding one's best friend. Finny still wanted Gene to go with him everywhere, so if Gene spent more time studying, then Finny did as well.

Gene was in the middle of an essay one night when Finny brought up that it was time for the Super Suicide Society. He didn't look up from his book, determined not to look at Finny when he said, "I don't want to go."

They were such simple words, but he'd been fighting with them every night for weeks. He hated that tree, and he didn't want to go. Plus, it cut into his studying time.

"What are you doing to do instead? Study?" Finny's laughter felt like mocking.

"Yeah, study. I flunked my Trigonometry test, and I have to make up for that."

Finny looked at Gene in confusion. "You _want_ to study?"

"I _need_ to study," Gene corrected him.

A surprised look crossed Finny's face. "I didn't know you needed to study."

Of course, Finny would think it just came naturally to Gene. Sports came naturally to Finny. In the same way, that Finny didn't see all the little things he did to train, he didn't see that Gene was actively training his mind. As Finny walked to class, he found places to test his balance. Without thought, he found places to train in his day to day activities. He must have seen it as the same way learning was natural to Chet Douglas. It was the reason Chet became Gene's main rival.

Everything Gene did was work for him. It wasn't just part of him like it was for them.

"Then study." Finny shrugged as if it were all just a game and not the big, important thing he'd made it seem all summer. "Leper won't jump and without you there, no one else will either." He laughed and shook his head. "They'll be thrilled with it."

It threw Gene off balance as every reminder of how genuine Finny was as it always did.

Of course, the others would be thrilled. They hated that tree as much as Gene did. But that Finny dropped it, that he didn't push, unsettled Gene. He had no concern for how much better a student Gene was than him, after all. The reminder of Gene's imagined rivalry with Finny cut in his gut. He could never compete with him. But the desire to be on equal footing with him was still there. He wanted to throw Finny just as much off balance as Gene had been by his comment.

He didn't check their surroundings; he had to fight his instincts not to because they were alone in their room. He thought it would make him seem even less afraid than Finny had been when he'd done it.

They hadn't talked about their night on the beach or changed anything in their behavior to acknowledge its existence, so Finny's expression was of shock just as Gene had wanted.

Gene kissed Finny; not having much experience with it and not wanting that to show through, it was quick. Like how his father kissed his mother goodbye. A little awkward and then over.

"Thanks," Gene said. Although it had been meant for letting him work and not pushing him to go, he wasn't sure how Finny would interpret it.

Finny was smiling when he left, even though Gene wasn't going to be there beside him this time.

#

"Did Leper jump?" Gene asked as soon as Finny came back through their dorm room door.

"No, as predicted, it was only me."

The information made Gene feel suddenly light. He was what had pushed the others into joining in. Finny didn't have as much of a hold on them without Gene there. But the thought was crushed by the reminder that Finny did on Gene. Before the first kiss, he'd had complete control over him.

Before, but not right then.

Although it was slight, Gene could feel the power imbalance righting itself.

He was slipping into his pajamas, and Finny was in his skivvies as usual, when Finny's hand brushed the back of Gene's elbow, causing him to jump. Gene had expected Finny to lay on his cot. Gene hadn't finished buttoning up his top, and Finny pushed back the fabric to slip his arm around Gene's back and pull them together.

The kiss wasn't a quick, shy one as the ones before. And as Gene had been the one to kiss Finny that evening, he had to kiss back. There was no reason to believe that Finny had more experience with kissing than Gene had, other than he was amazing at it. Phineas had kept his mouth slightly opened and let their lips brush as though they were sharing a secret, before finally bringing their mouths together. Finny's fingers brushed against Gene's back, causing Gene to gasp; and though Finny didn't force his tongue into Gene's mouth, it was suddenly there, moving against Gene's until he kissed back and it became difficult to tell whether they were in Gene's or Finny's mouth anymore.

Just as suddenly as he was there, Finny was gone, leaving Gene a bit shaky in his wake.

#

They were on their way to the tree, because just because he'd skipped one night didn't mean it was over altogether. Finny was a bit ahead trying to talk Leper into actually jumping this time. He'd have to do it eventually, and wouldn't be great if he was already an expert at it. Show off in front of the other guys when he had to the next year?

"You look up to him too much," Brinker said, hitting closer to the truth than Gene liked. 

Gene tried to shrug it off. "What do you mean?"

Brinker hadn't come out to the tree with them before, but he couldn't handle being left out of something, so once word came his way he was there demanding to be involved. Of course, for Finny the more, the merrier.

"I mean this—" Brinker gestured around to them walking to the Suicide Tree, "doesn't seem your thing. A lot of what you do with him doesn't seem your thing. Skipping meals, skirting the rules—"

"Boy, you sure do like talk," Gene cut him off and ran to catch up with the others. Brinker quickened his pace as well but didn't run. Brinker did love the sound of his voice, but it was more that he was too perceptive. Gene made sure not to look at Finny the rest of the evening and only responded when he spoke directly to him. Since he didn't look at him, Gene didn't know if he noticed until they were back in their room. And then, Finny left no doubt that he had.

"What was that all about?"

Gene tried to shrug it off.

"Did Brinker say something to you?"

He looked up to him finally then. "Nothing important. He just loves to talk." Gene knew his words ran hollow, so he came up with the easiest explanation of his sudden change in behaviour. "Do you think we're obvious?"

Although, Gene meant himself. Was _he_ obvious? So obvious that Finny knew there was no real risk in kissing him, even out in the open.

There was nothing that Finny could do to be obvious. He even wore pink and somehow the word fairy hadn't come across anyone's mind but Gene's. Brinker hadn't pulled Finny aside to accuse him of romanticizing Gene's image—and he did, he knew he did. The day on the beach proved it. They were the same height and yet Gene always felt as if he were looking up at Finny. And Finny knew. He'd somehow known.

"Is that all?"

The words stung. "Is that all?" Gene burst. "Is that all? How can you ask: 'Is that all?' Do you know what they'd do?"

"Who's they?" Phineas shook his head. "They'd do nothing; it's inappropriate to talk, you know? I think _they'd_ notice you were suddenly unable to look at me before anything else."

Gene began to protest, but Finny cut him off by pulling him forcefully into a kiss. His hand on the back of Gene's head kept Gene from pulling away but, other than the thought of someone possibly walking in on them; Gene didn't want to. Finny pulled back and then searched Gene's eyes for something.

"I'm not going to let anything bad happen to you."

"How can you make such a promise?"

Finny stepped back. "The times are changing, Gene. No one cares anymore—"

"As long as you don't talk about it," Gene said because he was certain the people did care a lot about it but just chose not to say anything.

A questioning look had crossed over Finny's face before he smiled at Gene again. "Do you _want_ to talk about it?"

"No!" Gene said in horror, but the damage was done. Finny had it in his head that Gene didn't like that they had to hide. While Gene scrambled to find how he could beg God to keep Finny from trying to make that a reality—in under three minutes, no less, as Finny was sure to start the very next day if he'd planned to do anything at all—Finny was kissing him again. Kissing him and pulling him towards Finny's cot with plans to do more unspeakable things Gene was sure.

Pulling away, Gene shook his head. "No, we can't."

Phineas looked disappointed but let Gene go. They went to their separate cots, and Gene's prayer was just a mantra of "please, let Finny find some sense" while he waited for Finny's nightly monologue to start.

Only, it didn't.

In the quiet, Gene heard Finny's harsh breathing, and then it occurred to him what Finny must have been doing.

Finny was correct. Times were changing.

In their parent's time masturbation was considered sinful and unhealthy, but science had recently changed that view. Masturbation was actually healthy. Though not something they talked about outside of their Sex Education class. Not talked about much there either as most everyone was too embarrassed _to_ talk at all.

Gene slipped his hand down into his pants and bit his lip to try and force himself to be quieter than Finny. He only allowed himself to breathe when he heard a gasping sound from Finny's cot. There was less of a chance Finny would hear him over that.

"Gene," Finny said, and Gene froze his movements and almost answered before he realized what must have happened. Gene quickly turned over and bit his pillow to keep himself from being too loud himself.

Somehow that made everything that had happened between them more real. 

The kissing could have been a trick that Phineas used to keep control over Gene, but Gene couldn't imagine even him being able to go that far. Struck with the thought that his feelings for Gene were real, Gene searched for what someone like Phineas could see in him. He wiped himself clean against the edge of his sheets his hand shaking.

Deciding it couldn't hurt, Gene returned to his prayers. He prayed until he fell asleep.

#

"Glad to see you're over that," Finny commented the next day when they had a brief moment of time by themselves, and he'd taken the chance to throw Gene to the ground. Gene didn't have to ask what he meant. Obviously, it was the whole not looking at him thing. It wouldn't have lasted long anyway. They spent far too much time together for Gene to have kept at it.

They were looking right at each other, Finny on top of Gene, causing his face to heat up.

Since the first kiss, they hadn't been physical like this. It wasn't until then that Gene thought he might have been avoiding it. Rolling around in the dirt used to seem like such an innocent thing. Then all Gene could think was that if he shifted his hips just a little to the left—and then his body caught up with his thoughts, and Finny's eyes lit with surprise and delight.

"This is rather public." Finny's voice was shaky.

Gene was in awe that he had caused that, could cause that, in Phineas. Finny always loved breaking the rules though and, at least, some of his excitement could have been attributed to that. As Finny's excitement built, Gene's waned.

It was public and public was dangerous.

To get back their playful manner, Gene pushed back against Finny, and they were wrestling again. With Finny laughing, Gene had gained the advantage and was on top, and everything stopped again.

Finny was stronger than Gene, so he must of let Gene flip him over. As much as Gene would have liked to think otherwise, he knew he'd only ever have the upper hand with him when Finny let him.

His hand came up as if to pull Gene to him, but he stopped just before reaching Gene's hair.

"Is there anyone near."

Gene glanced around without thought. "It doesn't matter someone could be in one of the buildings looking out. It's too—"

"Let's go back to the room."

It was an immense luxury that they shared the same room. Then again, would they have ever made it to where they were had they not?

Their days became a routine of everything as it had been before and intimate moments when they were alone. When Bobby Zane mentioned they wrestled and goofed off too much, Gene tried to keep track of the moments. Had there been an upswing of wrestling matches recently? Although Gene knew it was a way for Finny to flirt with him in public, it was just another thing Gene became overly aware of in their interactions with each other. How much became too much? How much before everyone else saw the flirting in their actions as well?

Finny didn't complain about all the studying Gene did in front of people anymore. Everyone just acknowledged the fact: that Gene was studying, and then Finny would be too.

Plus, to appease Finny, it meant more time alone together skirting an unspoken rule daily that made Gene more and more nervous by the second.

He found himself doing the math in his head of when they'd most likely be caught. That they'd be caught was inevitable. No matter how careful Gene was sooner or later, someone would open the door at the wrong moment. A moment even Finny couldn't talk himself out of.

#

Chet Douglas was not the sports type. Gene had him well beat there, but Gene's competition with him wasn't on a field; it was in the classroom. Finny had the idea that everyone loved sports because he so often had trouble seeing anything negative about them.

Since Chet was a latecomer to the game, Finny took the time to explain it to him which, Chet was quick to point out, the game made no sense.

It took longer, even for Finny who created the game, to go over all the details they had made as they played it. Gene stood off to the side and hated Chet for it. For the way that Finny was making an allowance for Chet that he would never make for anyone else, least of all Gene himself. Everyone else looked at them in amusement and Gene fought to make it appear as if he were doing the same.

They were an interesting pair, such opposites of each other.

"What a picture!" Brinker came to stand with Gene, and he began doing that thing he did where he said all of Gene's thoughts aloud. He held out his hands in a square as if they were hanging in a frame on a wall. "Finny's the best athlete we've seen in years trying to instruct Chet Douglas on a made up game. Only then we'd need a matching one of Chet on one of his rants about philosophy to Finny." Brinker paused and then added, "Chet's a sure thing for Valedictorian, you think?"

He was lucky Gene didn't punch him in the mouth. Gene took a breath to calm himself. Brinker was a likable guy really; it wasn't his fault that Gene hated his thoughts so much or that Brinker could read people so well. It would be nice if he learned how to keep some of them to himself.

"We'll see," was all Gene said.

"Think you've got a shot?"

Gene said nothing, so Brinker continued, "Everyone knows you're working for it as much time you and Finny spend studying these days; it's been the talk of the butt room."

"Oh, I'm sure you're most of the talk."

Brinker brushed Gene's insult out of the air between them, and luckily it looked like Finny was done explaining and they'd play. With a quick squeeze of Gene's shoulder, Brinker was off to share his theories with Chet himself.

Gene played better that day than he'd ever had, and Brinker was quick to point out Gene trying to show up Chet.

Showing up Chet wasn't a challenge for Gene on the field. Still Brinker was right. Gene wanted to more than just show him. He wanted to look like Finny himself next to Chet. For most of the game, Gene had avoided him, and it wouldn't be very sportsmanlike for Gene to be at his side sabotaging him. He let Chet do that all himself. It shouldn't have been so obvious what his mission was, but he supposed anyone of them would have done the same thing.

Phineas shook his head at the charge. It was a profound innocence him that he never saw how all the rest of the boys around were the same in this regard: they were all in constant competition with each other.

Gene thought he was sly, but he was only sly for someone like Phineas, who saw a good game as a good game.

"Gene had a good game today, that's all," Finny said. "Quick looking for conspiracies, Brinker."

Brinker knew better. Gene knew better. But somehow Finny not knowing made the effort worth it, even if all he saw it as was a good game and not proof that whether Chet Douglas made Valedictorian or not he was nowhere near the same level as Phineas.

Later that night in their room, Finny asked, "You and Brinker close?" in a forced nonchalant manner.

"Not really." Gene shrugged off the question not seeing it for what it was at first.

"Hmm, he was all over you today at Blitzball."

It wasn't something Gene had noticed but thinking back Finny was right. As much as Gene avoiding being too close to Chet to risk anyone accusing him of sabotage, Brinker had been right by Gene at every opportunity that it made sense to do so. Which was to say more than normal in a game the made little sense to begin with.

"What were you talking about earlier?"

He felt his face heat at the reminder of Brinker catching on to Gene's thoughts as they'd watched Finny with Chet. When Gene looked back at Finny, he saw something resembling anger in his eyes. That couldn't be it. Gene had never seen Finny have such emotion.

"You're not jealous, are you?"

"So what if I am?"

Gene couldn't control his shock. As if Phineas had anything to be jealous of. Thinking about it, if there were a person who could have been seen as Finny's competition, surely it would have been Brinker.

Then Finny touched Gene's face; his thumb brushed Gene's check while the rest of his fingers slipped into his hair at the base of his neck and a new realization came to Gene. It wasn't Brinker's ability on the field that Finny was admitting jealousy over. Gene's mouth fell slightly open, and Finny's thumb moved to trace his lips.

"He does have a nice butt," Gene tried to joke, to brush off the nonsense of there ever being anything between Gene and Brinker. It was true, though. Gene had noticed Brinker's butt, on more than one occasion.

Finny's eyes narrowed, and Gene realized what a stupid thing it had been to say. It wasn't so much a joke as the truth. The joke was that anything would ever come of it. Then Finny kissed Gene, forceful and claiming and Gene decided it wasn't such a stupid thing to say at all.

They were moving, Gene became dimly aware; Finny was shuffling slowly backwards and bringing Gene along with him. After he had stopped abruptly from hitting something, Finny fell, and Gene realized it was Finny's cot. Gene pulled back and instinctively looked to the door.

It wasn't lights out yet. Anyone could decide to come by.

"They'll knock," Finny said, but Gene didn't believe him.

Finny bit at Gene's bottom lip, and Gene hated how quickly that made him forget about the door and the possibility of their destruction. It also terrified him. Finny couldn't keep his promise to protect Gene. It was all up to himself. But he was on top of Finny, and that was such a rare occurrence, and it excited him too much to stop it then. The quickest way to get them safely apart was to get it over with.

Being teenaged boys, it never took long. Gene's body quickly heated up as though there was a fire beneath him instead of his best friend when Finny's hands moved over Gene's legs and thighs and then up his towards his hair, again.

"What is it with you and my hair?"

"I like your hair."

Gene felt he should say something back, but everything that came to his mind was too damning. He didn't want to bring back the thoughts of Brinker so mentioning that Finny had a fine butt as well was out of the question, but then all that brought to the forefront of Gene's mind were body parts. Somehow Finny's chest or abs or the way his shoulder's moved when he walked weren't on the same plain as hair. He loved his eyes and had almost settled on that when Finny groaned in his ear, and the thoughts of his eyes and that sound pushed Gene over the edge. Finny following quickly after.

"Ugh," Gene said, indicating the stickiness in their underwear. He was running low, and they needed to stop this before that became too obvious to . . . someone, Gene wasn't sure who. The maids were gone that year, but someone was clearly washing their clothes.

As his mind cleared, he almost groaned aloud again at his thoughts just a moment before. Had he almost told Finny he loved his eyes?

He was glad he kept his mouth shut. He perched himself up on an elbow facing Finny for a moment so he could gather the momentum to move to his cot. Finny's hand found his face, again.

"Next time we can take them off," Finny said, and Gene's face must have been overtaken by freight, because he added, "Don't look so shocked. Really after everything else we've done." He leaned up and kissed him and after the first one Gene pulled away. He really should get back to his cot.

Finny stopped him. 

"Just once more," Phineas said, and then kissed him, again.

Less than five minutes after Gene detangled himself from Finny's embrace, cleaned himself up and had settled at his desk, their door burst opened, and their presence was demanded in the butt room. Even though there was nothing left out to implicate them, it caused Gene's stomach to jump into his throat.

"You alright there, Gene?" Brinker asked as they all walked into the butt room. "You're as pale as a ghost."

"I find it interesting," Phineas broke in, saving Gene from answering. "That you're so interested in Gene lately, Brinker. What is the manner of your interest in him?"

Gene lit up with excitement at their staring match; there _was_ a rivalry there. He'd always seen Finny as above such things. It wasn't until Finny rolled his eyes at some offhanded comment Brinker made about Gene's lack of interest in football—which was entirely true, Gene hated football—that Gene realized the two were having very different conversations.

Brinker thought Finny was using Gene to fight with him over sports; it was the real area that—though Brinker wasn't brash enough to say aloud—he saw himself as Finny's rival.

Finny saw it the opposite way. Brinker was using sports to fight over Gene. Most likely Gene's friendship, but Finny's words were too close to accusing him of something far worse that Gene knew he had to shut the conversation down and fast. Before Finny could say anything else, Gene fumbled around as though he'd misplaced something in his pocket.

"Enough talk, Finny, do you have a light?" Gene placed himself in front of Finny with his back to Brinker, cutting them off from each other and forcing Finny to focus on Gene. "I must have left my matches in the room."

Finny loved this. When Gene pretend no one else was around them. He didn't ask if anyone could help him out, only him. Gene knew it would break the tension and move the conversations forward. Luckily Bobby took the opportunity while Finny lit Gene's cigarette for him to steer the conversation to the war.

Not one of Gene's favorite topics, but one Finny and Brinker enjoyed equally and as they talked all rivalries were put aside for the moment because the war ranked higher than petty schoolboys' fights.

Once they made it back to their room, Gene said, "Back off Brinker, you know how he is always trying to find the truth behind everything." And since they had something to hide the last person's attention they needed was Brinker's. But Finny wasn't taking it.

"You don't have to worry about Brinker."

"I have to worry about everything!" Gene fell back on his cot. "Because you worry about nothing, I have to worry about everything."

Finny accused Gene of defending Brinker of all things, and then Gene fixed the situation quite by accident. He brought up Chet. How Finny had taken the time to explain Blitzball to him. Gene had wanted to go on but saw there wasn't any other reason to think that Finny had any interest in being even friends with Chet. Sure they were opposites in their fields of interests, just like Finny and himself were, but they had no overlap like he and Finny had.

"Chet Douglas," Finny said in an almost offended tone. "He's pathetic at sports."

As Brinker had pointed out that evening, Gene wasn't going to win any prizes in that area either, but Finny was smiling, and Brinker was dropped. And Gene was, once again, left in confusion over his friend's motivations.

The important part was that Finny did leave Brinker alone, and he didn't rise to the bait that Brinker loved to throw in front of him. Every time they saw Chet in the distance, Finny would look at Gene and shake his head as if it were the most amusing thing in the world. Gene wished he could do the same every time they saw Brinker. Instead, his stomach seized and twisted into knots.

His eyes seemed to scream—I'll catch you.

As the summer came to an end, Gene was quite done with surprises when Phineas threw another one at him.

"When can I tell my mother to expect you?"

Gene didn't trust himself to speak. They weren't going home for long. It would be barely a breath before they'd see each other again for Devon's winter session.

"Joking," Finny said, but in a way that it was impossible to believe it. "My mother would love to meet you, of course. I understand if you can't, but just for a day would be alright, yeah?"

"Yeah, sure, I'll see."

There was a lengthy paused where Gene should have said more. Invited Finny to his house or something. He wanted to, but that would expose Gene's original half-truths he let everyone believe. He didn't live in the grand house that had been taped on his wall for months. He didn't want to disappoint Finny with the truth.

Or maybe he didn't want Finny to know about this advantage he had over Gene that Gene had no power of changing.

Their last night of the summer session, Finny sneaked into Gene's cot after lights out.

It was a rarity that he intruded on Gene's space. His usual move was to pull Gene into his own. He mixed up their clothing so that Gene had to sort through his when looking for his own, but none of Finny's clothing made it into Gene's. Gene kept track of which was which and tried not to let it burn that Finny would make fun of his clothes and then wear them the next day.

When they'd packed earlier that day, Gene saw that he had taken a few things of Gene's. There was no particular order to it and Gene wasn't sure if Finny even knew.

Gene should have seen it as a sign that something was different about that night. Finny gave him plenty more as he kissed him longer and took his time stripping them down. They had all the time in the world right then, so Gene thought nothing of those things. It wasn't until Finny's erection brushed against his own that Gene thought about the fact that this was their first time naked together like that.

When swimming, when going to and from showers and even changing in their room, they'd seen each other naked plenty.

But all their intimate fumbling had been just that until then: fumbling around.

"What are you doing?" Gene whispered as Finny kissed down his chest. Finny's hands trailed up Gene's sides almost tickling until they settled on the back of his shoulders and Finny changed directions to move back up his chest and kiss Gene's mouth. Then he kissed across Gene's jaw to stop and whisper his answer into Gene's ear.

"I'm committing you to memory."

Gene felt himself flush from Finny's sincerity in the statement, and his chest tighten as he forced another question out: "Why?"

"Why?" Phineas repeated, and his voice was harsh with laughter and thick with emotion. "Why? Gene—" He moved one hand to Gene's hair, pushing it back away from his eyes and used his other arm to keep himself from crushing Gene with his weight.

"Gene, I love you."

Phineas' green eyes looked down at Gene, and suddenly Gene couldn't take that anymore. He roared up and kissed Finny, slowly switching their positions to where Finny was the one on his back which made it easier for Gene to breathe, even if his mouth was then in the middle of a battle with Finny's.

When Gene pulled back there was a smile on Finny's mouth, but his eyes were the same; a little watery and an intense gaze that bordered on pleading.

"It's okay," Finny said and kissed him, again. "It's okay," he repeated, but Gene couldn't tell if Finny was saying it for Gene's benefit or his own.

#

On the train ride out to Finny's, Gene couldn't decide if it was the right decision or the wrong one.

They'd never seen each other outside of school, and it felt almost like too intimate of ground. He'd only be there one night, but a lot could happen in one night. Gene hoped that Finny would be more reserved at his house but, of course, it turned out to be the opposite.

As soon as the maid had left Gene with Finny in the sitting room, Finny grabbed his hand and pulled him to him. "Let me look at you," Finny said, and Gene couldn't help but feel inadequate under his gaze. Then he kissed Gene right there in the open room in front a large window.

Gene, as always, broke away and stepped back first.

"I know what you're thinking, Gene, and it's perfectly safe. Most of our maids have gone with the war too it seems. There's too much work and not enough people around for it. This place has been dead quiet."

"Still."

Finny nodded and sat back into his chair and gestured to one across from him for Gene to take.

"Tell me all about home."

Gene didn't have much to tell, except for a small fire that had happened which he embellished a bit. Finny was thirsting for any excitement. And as Gene hypnotised Finny with his words, Gene decided the trip had been a good idea.

It gave Gene a chance to surprise Finny and then leave him to stew in it for a week or so before school started again, just like Finny had done to him their last night together. He wasn't sure quite how he'd accomplish it, but the plan slowly formed as he talked about things that did and didn't happen back home. Finny sat eating up every bit of it. It would have to be when they were alone and not in a sitting room with a large open window.

At dinner, Finny arranged for the perfect place for Gene to do it, though. In retrospect, of course, he would. Finny wasn't going to let a chance for them to share a bed pass, and when his mother mentioned Gene staying in the guest room, Finny looked scandalized at the thought.

"Gene isn't a mere guest, mother."

Finny's mother huffed at his eccentrics, but it was obvious within the first five minutes of meeting her that she was the parent he had got that particular personality trait. His father seemed amused by both of them and let them have whatever way they wanted so the only real negotiations were with Finny's mother.

And she relented over dessert.

Dessert!

It wasn't fancy but still it'd been so long since any of them had it. Finny teased his mother about it because it was obviously for Gene's presence. It was what one did when one had company, of course, and then she relented.

Gene could stay in Finny's room, but they couldn't stay up all night. Gene had a train to catch the next day, and Finny was to make sure he didn't miss it. Until his mother said that, the thought hadn't crossed Gene's mind. He could tell from the laugh that it got from Finny that he _had_ been planning it all along.

They did stay up late.

Finny was waiting for all the others to go off to bed, and then once he was sure they were all fast asleep he stopped talked and just looked at Gene across the room. He sat in the only chair in his bedroom that wasn't at the desk. Gene was sitting at the desk.

Gene knew instinctively that this was the moment.

If he was going to do anything to shock Finny, he had to do it right then. Trying to keep the moment, but still give himself time to think he turned down all the laps until the room was dark, and the only light came from the stars and moon outside. It would take a couple of minutes for their eyes to adjust. He heard Finny shift to stand up, but he couldn't see him yet.

"Wait," Gene said. "Stay there."

He wished he could have seen the look on Phineas' face then. If Finny went to the bed, he'd be there first and leading them through everything, again. Gene needed to be in control that night. When Gene could easily see Finny's outline, he made his way across the room. Gene didn't know much about sex, but the obvious answer to what would shock Finny came to Gene as he approached him in the chair.

Gene could see how wide Finny's eyes were as he approached and knew they must be having the same thought.

Before he lost his resolve, Gene kneeled before the chair and looked up at Phineas as he reached for his knees to steady himself.

"Gene," Finny whispered.

The expected thing had been for Gene to fight for dominance. No matter how much he knew it was a losing battle or how many times he lost, it was what he had always done. Finny was the one who relinquished the role without thought or embarrassment. He loved Gene on top of him. Gene could still be in control with him at the same time as letting go of that dominate role. It was the only way to surprise Finny because it was the only thing Gene had never done before.

And Gene couldn't use words for it.

For some reason, even this action wasn't as damaging as the words would have been to him.

Gene's hands moved slowly up Finny's thighs as Finny's hands when straight to Gene's face and hair as always. He could see Finny's erection through his pants and worked it free while swallowing thickly. There was still the chance that Gene messed this up by being horrible at it.

Hiding under the covers was intimidating enough, without Gene staring right at it. Before he let fear of what he was about to do overtake him, Gene wrapped his mouth around the head.

"Oh my God," Phineas breathed. His head dipped forward as if it was too difficult for him to hold it upright any longer. "My God, Gene," he whispered as his hand slipped to the back of Gene's head. Gene closed his eyes and pressed forward taking as much of Phineas in his mouth as he could.

As he worked his mouth, Gene pulled at Finny's pants and underwear. Finny continued to whisper Gene's name and then began to move his hips just slightly as if he was trying his hardest not to but couldn't help himself. During one more forceful thrust, Gene was able to pull Finny's clothes out from under the small space Finny's weight had still held them down. Then it was easy for Gene to slip them passed his knees and then down off his legs and feet.

Finny did just as Gene excepted and let his legs open wider to accommodate Gene's body to fit more comfortably between them.

The feeling of Finny's naked thighs enclosing Gene's torso make him moan around Finny's erection, which caused Finny to gasp and Gene's right hand shot up to cover Finny's mouth.

Once Finny had gained control of himself once more, Gene brought his hand back down and went back to the plan he'd started with taking of Finny's clothes. He worked his fingers slowly up and underneath the back of Finny's thighs and the next time he thrust into Gene's mouth, he spread Finny's butt cheeks and pressed a fingertip just inside the tight ring.

Finny kept his full weight from dropping back down on Gene's hand and whispered in a voice a bit more filled with worry than awe, "Gene?"

Gene tried to calm him down with his mouth since he couldn't use words, and as Finny relaxed he slipped farther down Gene's finger. Finny's hands had left Gene's hair for the armrests on the chair. His legs shook, and Gene grabbed the back of his left hip with his free hand to try and help steady him. When Finny was sitting again, Gene attempted to work his mouth and his hand together, but that proved to be too difficult, so he held himself as still as possible as Finny moved back and forth against them both.

His hips began jutting in sporadic movements, and then Gene felt his finger press against a thick, tensed muscle inside Finny; Finny stilled and made a wounded sound. Gene almost pulled back afraid he'd hurt him, but Finny's hand caught the back of his head before he could.

"Don't stop," Finny said, and it came out as jagged as his movements have been. "My God, Gene, don't stop. I love y—"

Gene pressed against the muscle, again, to keep Finny from finishing his thought, but his triumph at it working didn't last long as Finny came in his mouth and the shock of it made Gene rear back and cough it all over Finny's legs.

Once Gene stopped coughing, and the tears had left his eyes, he noticed that instead of Finny finishing himself off when Gene pulled back, Finny had grabbed Gene's wrist to keep his finger from slipping out of him. His left hand was still holding on tight to the armrest and his right to Gene's wrist.

For an experiment, Gene found the waning muscle he'd pressed against earlier and did it again; Finny's body shook and a tiny bit of come shot out of his dick and joined the mess that was across his stomach. Finny, still too out of breath to speak, loosened his grip on Gene's wrist, and Gene slowly let his finger slip out of him.

When Finny could speak again, he said, "Get on the bed," with such force it almost frightened Gene.

But Gene was too close to coming for anything Finny thought up to last very long.

#

Gene hoped that Finny was as tortured by their night together as he was because Gene couldn't stop thinking about it. He'd masturbated before, but it was more a weekly thing that had suddenly become a daily thing. If Gene wasn't positive that he'd be skinned alive by the passersby if he tried, he might have dropped to his knees the moment he saw Finny at Devon without thought of their surroundings.

Why this was seen as so sinful finally made sense to Gene.

It turned out they were in a group of people when they first saw each other. They'd arrived at different times, and Gene found Finny in the butt room having a smoke.

The only way to describe Finny's eyes when he saw Gene light his cigarette was hungry. It made Gene's face heat up, and he glanced around to make sure no else could see what he saw. After his first drag, Gene licked his lips and watched Finny as he stared at them. Finny smiled and then continued the conversation he'd been in before Gene arrived.

Even though they both only had one cigarette and then Finny found an excuse for them to break away and back to their room, it felt like forever to Gene before they got there.

As soon as the door closed, Finny spun Gene around pressed him against the wall, kissing him and pulling at his clothes. He kissed down Gene's neck as he unbuttoned Gene's shirt—the one Gene himself was wearing as Finny was wearing another one of Gene's that day—and then down his chest as he got on his knees. Finny mouthed at Gene's erection through his pants and had them half opened all within minutes of them entering their room.

"What's this, then?" 

They both jumped, and Finny sprang away from Gene. Leper was on Gene's cot and even though there was no mistaking what he'd just seen his look was utter confusion.

Gene quickly fixed his shirt and ran his hands through his hair, trying to steady himself and stop shaking. He looked to Finny because he had no words and Finny had always been the one best in situations like this.

"Well," Finny started, but it was clear that he was just as lost as Gene. "You see . . ."

Finny was struggling with a lie because it would be the only thing they could do, but he couldn't say it. He'd look at Gene and then Leper and just nothing.

"It's nothing Leper," Gene lied, it slipped out as if natural and the only truth of what Leper could have seen. "You didn't see anything. We were just wrestling around, is all. We do it all the time. Was there something you wanted?"

"You do wrestle a lot," Leper agreed, but it was impossible for him not to put two and two together.

"So see it was nothing."

Leper nodded seeming to be glad to have an excuse to explain it away as anything other than what he saw. Leper hated confrontation and Gene used this. He saw Gene as his friend and may not fear him, but he did fear many of the other boys in their year, and Gene was sure if Finny asked anything of him he'd comply. It could have been someone much worse than Leper sitting there.

"Just wrestling, right Finny?"

But Finny didn't say, "Right" or nod in agreement to help keep them safe like he'd promised Gene he'd do; he just stared at Gene as if he'd cut him.

Gene turned from him and asked again, "Was there something you needed, Leper?"

Leper looked back and forth between them a crease in his brow that Gene didn't like and finally settled on, "I don't remember."

If Gene didn't need his support so damn bad to keep their lives from falling apart right then, he would have punched Leper in the face. Gene wasn't ordinarily a violent person, but he had to bite his tongue to keep his anger in check. For no doubt some trivial reason Leper had come to him, causing Gene's life to hang in the balance of his goodwill and _he couldn't even fucking remember why._

#

Gene had every right to be angry with Finny. He had known that Finny was upset the day Leper caught them, but he hadn't expected the cold shoulder. He hated that it made him feel guilty, that Finny could keep his distance for so long, and that he craved Finny's attention. It had taken a week before Gene caved. He'd been so sure before that that Finny would be the one to break the silence.

"Brinker asked me what happened between us," Gene said, and Finny's eyes shot up to stare at him, finally. He was too mad at Finny still to care if how he worded it upset him. Leper had been right there when Brinker brought it up, and Gene almost choked on his tongue as he lied about them just being busy with things other than each other. 

When Finny didn't say anything, Gene got up from his desk, grabbing his chair and placing it under the door's handle. He wanted to make sure they had some time alone. It succeeded in getting Finny's attention even more than the comment had. He sat up on his cot and tried to fight a smile as Gene came back to his desk and leaned against the side closest to him.

"You promised, Finny." Gene kept his voice low but made sure his anger was evident.

"I know." Finny had the decency to look ashamed of his behavior for once. "I couldn't lie."

Gene closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "You lie all the time."

"No, I stretch the truth. Besides, it's different. Mostly, I'm just honest, and people chose to believe or disbelieve what they find acceptable. I'm not dumb, Gene. That wouldn't have worked. I couldn't just smile and say, 'Well, you see. I simply couldn't help myself after not seeing my best friend for a week; I needed to make him come for me. You understand, I'm sure.'" Finny mocked the natural careless tone he used when he charmed everyone around him with one of his crazy ideas. Just the way his voice worked as he spoke almost make Gene think Leper would have nodded along with it. 'Of course,' Leper said in Gene's mind as he nodded along with Finny and made his way out of the door. 'Take your time. I'll come by later.'

But Finny was right. His brand of stretching the truth would never work for their situation. They needed Gene's type of lying: omitting the truth.

"Then what are you mad at me for? If you knew it had to be done and you couldn't do it, what's got you upset?"

Finny looked miserable again. He came to kneel in front of Gene and looked up at him as his hands found their way up the back of his legs. Gene grabbed onto the desk's edge for balance. Finny watched Gene's face as he mouthed at his erection through his pants.

"Do you want this?" he asked after pulling back.

Phineas on his knees in front of him. Who _wouldn't_ want such a miracle? Someone like Phineas loving them? There was no one else who could compare to him, so who could blame him for wanting it? How was it possible that Finny could even question it?

"Gene?" Finny's eyes held the question as if there really could be a question. Of course, he wanted it, but how could he say it when he hated the idea of him wanting Finny so much?

"Gene?" he repeated, his eyes watered as he waited for an answer. Gene wondered how much he knew. Finny wasn't as idealistic as Gene had thought he was. Did that mean he could see how much Gene hated all of this? His constant craving for Finny's attention that he knew he'd never be worth nor deserve.

Because he couldn't take the look on Finny's face any longer, he whispered, "Yes. Yes, of course. How was that ever a question? You're . . . perfect."

Finny smiled then. "I'm not the one that everyone stares at when he walks by."

He must have been joking, Gene thought, as Finny opened Gene's pants and began to slide them down his thighs. That had been Finny they'd been staring at. Gene had realized that Finny didn't see himself the way Gene did, but he'd never considered what that meant. Finny's eyes were closed as his lips moved up and down Gene's erection. Gene's grip on the desk tightened as his legs grew weak from the effort to stand.

"You think they were staring at me?"

Finny laughed as much as he could given the situation, and it sent vibrations through Gene's already shaky legs. 

How had Gene missed that Finny saw him just as perfect at Gene saw Finny?

Later that night during Finny's nightly monologue he asked, "Do you think they'd care. If they found out about us, I mean?" 

Gene felt sure everyone would have them both locked away. Although it would more likely be a nuthouse than a prison, Gene didn't see the prospect of it being a pleasant encounter.

"Do you think it's worth the risk?" Gene finally answered.

#

It happened so quickly, and Gene could hardly believe it. One day Leper was there talking about enlisting and then the next he was gone. Although he was the oldest, and, therefore, the natural progression would suggest it, everyone was shocked. They all saw Leper as the one to try and find a way of out it all.

In a way, he was. If he enlisted, as oppose to waiting for a draft, he could choose where he went. 

With Leper gone and Brinker more and more focused on the war, Gene let himself relax. The immediate danger was gone, and surprisingly Finny wasn't as reckless. 

They put the chair under to door when they wanted to lay together or do more dangerous activities they couldn't explain away. Gene became more comfortable with the little touches. Finny coming up behind him while he was studying and brushing his hand up Gene's arm or across the back of his neck. Finny kissing him awake in the morning or kissing him just before opening the door for them to make their way out to the hall.

And they talked. 

Finny had always talked, but Gene took more of a part in their conversation. All the confessions weren't Finny's anymore. Every time that Gene would talk Finny watched him with rapid attention as if him talking were the most wondrous of things. When Finny mentioned coming out to visit Gene the next summer, Gene let him know that the house on his wall wasn't Gene's home. It wasn't anything like it.

"It's not like yours," Gene said as he lay on his side with his head on Finny's chest on his cot. "My family is not like yours."

Gene could feel Finny studying him and refused to look up.

"Did you think I'd think less of you?" Finny asked and then when Gene didn't answer continued, "You know, I knew, right?"

That made him look up. 'You knew?"

"I figured it out a while ago." Finny smiled, rolled his eyes and then looked from Gene back to the offending picture. "It's just a picture of a house with no people out front, and you never did add pictures of your family at all. With or without it in the background. And you seemed determined to keep me from ever visiting you. It just came together."

As much as Finny used to talk, Gene saw how even then he'd kept him at a distance just like Gene had been doing with him. Finny was more grounded in reality that Gene had given him credit for. He knew most of what he said was a mere fabrication. He had just relished in how much everyone—including Gene—let him indulge in it.

With the war steadily becoming more of a reality for them, Finny's fantasies because less acceptable and with it so did he. Around the others, it showed up with just less talk from Finny in general, but alone with Gene, it felt as if he were constantly confessing. 

"I loved the idea of it, you know," Finny said. "I loved the idea that you lived in Georgia mansion but even more so that _you_ dreamed it up." 

"Even serious people have dreams, Phineas."

"I know." He looked down at Gene with a goofy smile on his face before he kissed him. There was a long pause before Finny spoke again. "If we survive this war, will you come live with me after?"

"Where?"

"I don't know. Anywhere."

"With your parents?"

Finny made a face at that. "No, we'd have jobs then, won't we?"

He'd never pictured Finny working before. What would he work at? Although, he'd never pictured Finny in a uniform going off to war either and that was a guarantee with their generation. Gene wasn't very good at picturing things at all. That was Finny's area. Gene just saw things as they were. How they were standing right in front of him. 

After the war seemed so impossible to him at the moment. Wouldn't they always be at war? Still Finny in the middle of a war seemed just as impossible. Would he recognize Finny when it was all over?

"Sure, why not?" Gene said, not wanting to think too much about it. "It's expected, isn't it?"

"Aey-uh, It's what single men do." But then he added, "Who cares what's expected."

It wasn't a question, and Gene didn't answer. They both knew he did. He did a lot.

#

Finny's fingers brushed the back of Gene's elbow, and he jumped away from him. They stared at each other for a moment before Finny shook his head, cross his arms and looked away from Gene. There was no reason for Gene's reaction. It caused more attention to be drawn to them than the initial contact.

They were in the butt room, and Finny had just been trying to get Gene's attention. 

"Are you going to smoke that or just stare at it?" Brinker had said, and Gene realized then that he'd been talking to him, when he continued with, "You all right, Gene?"

"Yeah." Gene nodded and then let Finny light his cigarette. 

When Finny pulled his hand away, he brushed it across Gene's cheek. 

"What are you doing?" Gene didn't have to fake his shock, because he was, but by the looks their friends were giving them, he wasn't displaying the right one. He couldn't look at Finny with disgust. He couldn't shove him away. Even then, he'd let Finny drown them both.

"It'll be all right."

"I never thought, I'd see the day," Brinker broke in with a laugh. "You two fighting?"

"I'm sure you love it," Finny said and shot a glare at Brinker before turning away from the situation altogether.

"Not so much. If you two don't make it that doesn't leave much hope for the rest of us?"

Finny smiled again, still not looking at Gene, and said, "You have none, Brinker, none at all."

Their manner was playful again, and Gene was lost.

Bobby Zane was the first to speak to speak to him as Finny and Brinker continued to tease each other. 

"Is that all?" he asked.

"What do you mean 'is that all'?" 

Gene's question gathered their friends' attention again. No one would look at each other, but as Bobby's eyes met Finny's, he shrugged. 

After Brinker nodded and added, "Well, we knew, of course."

Bobby said, "About Finny, at least."

"You don't care?" Although Gene could tell from the atmosphere that some of them did care, he was too interested in what they'd say as well as still a little surprised that they had already known.

"I told you," Phineas said, "that views are changing, and they're our friends, Gene. What did you expect, and Exodus? I bet you did. Did Oscar Wilde's friends turn on him? No."

Seeing them all as his friends, as people he could trust, wasn't something Gene thought he ever could do. Opening up to only Finny had been hard enough on him. But then Brinker was talking about the newest thoughts on homosexuality from Freud and other psychologists, and Chet mentioned a German Jew he'd read about named Mangus Hirschfeld, which got them back on the topic of the war.

"You really can get away with anything, can't you?" Gene whispered to Finny as their friends surrounded them with the safety of conversation.

"Aey-uh," Finny said with a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. 

Gene's jealousy only lasted a moment before he saw that no, not even Finny could get everything he wanted. He knew him enough by then to know when he wanted to kiss or touch Gene, and he very much did right then. It wasn't enough for Finny, but it was more than Gene ever dared to hope for.


End file.
